Week 3 Lesson 3 – Intro to Nonviolence

I’ve been noticing desire to harm come up when I am hanging out with some of my friends lately.  I hang out often with a group of folks who are academics.  They are amazing, brilliant, have stellar values and are way articulate.  When I am with them I can feel frustrated internally, because I judge myself as not as articulate, and can’t seem to collect my thoughts well.   I work in a therapeutic world, of shamans, meditators, therapists, healers of all kinds and  I want to express insights from this world into their world, but don’t feel like I can do it well.  I feel like mine is an unseen world.  My ego gets all bent out of shape about it and before long I am making a comment that is sideways, negative, etc.  I feel all this pent up energy in my throat and my mind goes back and forth between judging them and judging myself.  It is funny as I reflect on it, because all this is happening in an environment which is actually about as sweet as it gets.  These folks are kind and patient and never actively criticize me!

Anyway, I was with them yesterday, and per our assignment, watched my desire to say something a little destructive, the desire to relieve my suffering, my frustration, by making someone else wrong.  I felt how tight and twisted my throat and heart felt.  And I let myself off the hook for feeling this way, just held a compassionate presence for myself.   I ended up noticing all that sensation smooth out and then had a really nourishing afternoon with them.  I even got to explain some stuff about healing work to them and they were quite interested.   The sense of genuine connection felt good.  It humbled me.

Hi Marissa and all,

I am so glad you (Marissa) brought this up- the question about the role of our defenses.  As a bodyworker and energyworker I think in terms of what is happening in the body?   I often find that people’s defenses (physical holding patterns, energetic patterns) have an odd way of continuing to draw toward them the things that they fear.  This is such a sensitive topic because suggesting it to someone who has experienced victimization can sound like more blame heaped on them.     But I have believe that as people who have been victimized gradually release their trauma, by allowing the tension patterns in their body to unwind and gradually rediscover an internal sense of security, they experience less victimization.   I believe that the transformation to a non-violent world that we are talking about really does require healing our wounds by healing our bodies.   This takes such care.

Oftentimes, people who have been physically dominated and abused need to go through a stage where they must reclaim the energy that comes with owning their ability to defend themselves and fight on their own behalf.  I have questions about how to support someone in finding this vital sense of self while still helping them move out of the pattern of perpetrator/victim.  I think physical exercises, like Tai Chi push hands or yoga postures that require strong actions through the arms can be helpful.  Each person is so different.  Rediscovering strength and action in ones body wherever it has been denied could be key.

This is just rambling now, because each person is unique and the solution is in them and in their tissues.

Thanks for getting me pondering this,

Sydney

Thanks, John, for the Tolstoy “Three Questions.”  I relate to that sense of an internal push to get  “somewhere” and then as a consequence experiencing people  or other needs around me as obstacles.   I think this shift to paying attention to who we are with, to our internal state,  and the real needs of the moment is a huge part of a non violent state of mind.    Slowing down and trusting that there is enough time for what is important is a big one for me.

And to everyone, I am wondering if we can put our names at the end of our comments?  I am finding myself going back and forth between the introduction page and the conversation thread.  I haven’t participated in these kind of internet conversations before, so maybe using names isn’t the way it is done….

Sydney

Hi Kelly,

That was really interesting what you said about depression being anger turned inwards. I am not sure if I have heard that before. It is thought provoking to hear this comparison. Thinking of depression as a form of violence towards oneself is interesting. I usually think of the negative effects that can occur when anger is turned outwards towards others. I may not have really appreciated the effect it can also have when directed inwards toward oneself as well. Thank you for that thought.

John

Kelly I feel for you. My kids are 11 and 8 and I have had many similar dilemmas. Trying not to use punishment and rewards is, I believe, the best nonviolent way to bring up kids but it is fiendishly difficult and I find myself failing as much as I succeed. But at least when I fail and use some kind of sanction, I am aware that I have done it and try to figure out how I would do better next time. I have found Marshall Rosenberg’s books and talks very useful in using a Nonviolent Communication (NVC) approach to conflict resolution with my kids.

I think it always helps to communicate how your child’s actions make you feel and why. Even if he continues with the behaviour for a while (and nothing lasts forever), he will know that you feel very sad upset and frustrated by it because you value respect and love and kindness. And as importantly, your daughter will know these things. I think you’re right that if you use force, he will subconsciously be learning that that is ok and acceptable. i do feel though that you would be entitled to separate him from his sister when he is being violent, as long as you explain to him that you are doing it because you need to keep her safe and not to punish him, and also as long as your daughter doesn’t feel that the separation is not punishing her.

Hang in there. By just being aware of these issues you are doing your children such a huge service. And I think it helps them to see you grappling with these issues. To see a parent struggle with what they think is right, even if they seem to be failing more than they succeed, shows children that it is good to try to follow your higher values, sometimes at the expense of an “easy” life. Many wonderful, kind friends of mine use threat power with their children all the time, simply because they are unaware that there is any other way.

And this brings me to my other point. Like Sydney, I also sometimes struggle with communicating my values and the New Story to my close friends. Friends who I value and love, some for decades, but for whom the New Story is totally alien. My Quaker friends are very much on the same wavelength but many of my artistic friends literally think I’m a bit mad! I try to talk about these things often (like the fact that I’m doing this course) but I don’t want to seem self righteous, judgemental or pious and so I often am too self deprecating about the power of nonviolence. My friends like to joke that I am either a hippy or “think I’m Jesus”. And often I just laugh along. Partly because I know they love me and that deep down there is a part of them that would like to see the world the way I do, but that I’m too naive and just not in the “real world”. Also a lot of my artistic and actor friends are very firm atheists and so think that what i do is all very nice but only works for people like me who have spiritual beliefs. Maybe I need to be talking more about the New sciences to them.
Paul B

[If this double posts, my apologies, I seem to be having some issues with this page loading.]

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Hi all – Thanks WSYogaTherapy for posting your observation, “per our assignment, watched my desire to say something a little destructive, the desire to relieve my suffering, my frustration, by making someone else wrong.”  I feel like that’s pretty much exactly where I’m living right now.  I have a great spiritual practice, and a great meditation practice – and right now I’m having such a hard time finding my grounded, connected self.  I’m in the midst of a lot of family and transition stuff right now (moving, job search, wedding planning) and I’m finding that my patience levels are decreasing and I’m getting snappier and snappier.  Which is the opposite of what I want to be – open, loving, peaceful, caring.  

I am also identifying a lot with what Kelly wrote.  With as much work as I’ve done on myself, and as much progress as I start to think I’m making – I’m starting to feel like my feelings and emotions are wild children who won’t sit still, won’t listen to me, and won’t go take a nap.  I have a really easy time living and functioning on silent meditation retreats, I have a really hard time living and functioning in “the real world.”  There’s so much data, so much stimuli, it can be overwhelming and hard to focus, to find my ground on a daily basis.  

And if I can’t manage to find my grounding on a daily basis, how can I expect my relationships, other people, society at large to find grounding, open communication, dialogue, and peace?  

And then – so many questions, in my own life, in society about finding the balance point – between self defense, non-violence, forgiveness, self-destruction, standing up for one’s self, believing in one’s own power and worth, not letting someone walk all over you but also not reacting in a reactive and inappropriate way.  How to find balance between taking care of oneself and others, taking care of oneself and society, living in your own life, living in family and community.  Frustration, anger, violence, trappedness, freedom, coming together, pulling apart – it all seems both like the rhythmic ebb and flow of nature and life, and at the same time the destructiveness of frustration, conflict, alienation.  

When we know how truly connected we are, to each other, our community, nature, at a core a base level connected, it seems that peace flows easily and naturally.  And it can just be such a hard place to find/stay/live in.  We have examples, leaders, teachers – and remembering that can be a lifesaver.