Week 8 – Communication Examples

I did an NVC introductory weekend about 5 years ago which I found hugely helpful. It also helped me to join an NVC practice group here in Brighton which I attended weekly for a year or two. I still have some contacts who practice professionally and am amazed at how they can make the language of NVC sound completely natural – something I sometimes fail at. I remember the first time I used NVC with my wife Charlotte. I had been working away from home and she had been having a tough time at home on her own with our two small kids. As she told me her problems on the phone, instead of trying to fix them with snap judgements, I just tried to empathise by reflecting back what I heard her saying. Afterwards she said, thats the best listening you’ve ever done in our 10 years together! The only problem was that the next time I tried it, she said “are you doing that NVC on me again?” I’m sometimes not fluent enough in it to make it sound natural!

It has helped in my communication with my kids. Their arguments are often about who’s “fault” something was. So NVC gives me the tools to try to sidestep this issue. And when they were small and angry about something, it often helped to try to voice the needs which were not being met for them rather than try to ‘fix’ their problem. It didn’t always work but when it they genuinely felt heard, their anger would often dissipate as if by magic

It has helped me advise many friends of mine who are in the middle of a dispute with a family member. To be able to hear about a conflict and then reflect it back to them without judgement or blame language, can often help them work out how to approach their mother, son, friend etc.

A couple of friends of mine work in environments (often corporate) where the communication culture is literally toxic. Full of the kind of emotional judgements and ultimatums that people have learned from the dialogue in soap operas. I have sometimes been able to help them see how a conflict at work, or a very angry statement from a colleague, can be viewed nonviolently.

The serving soldier who I worked with on a movie last year was definitely an opportunity for me to try to engage nonviolently. Rather than judging and stating a position that was in opposition to him, I tried to empathise and learn from his experience, whilst still letting him know that my view of the world was radically different from his. We ended up being friends and talking very frankly about violence. On our last day working together, he showed me a large tattoo on his chest that showed the symbol for his regiment, with the ancient Roman motto,
“to have peace, prepare for war”.
I was then in a trusting enough relationship with him to say my motto would be
“to have peace, prepare for peace – if you prepare for war, you will get it”.
I wouldn’t have said such an oppositional thing to him until we trusted each other.

The problem I often fall into is that I have a need to be liked and popular, so I sometimes sympathise rather than empathise, and listen to things I disagree with, without being able to gently voice the fact that my view is different. This is something I’m very much still working on.

I also struggle quite a bit with making NVC sound natural, though the more I practice the better it gets, just like anything else I guess! For me, even if I feel that I can’t come up with a conversational NVC version of what I want to say, thinking of conflict in those terms – what I see, what I feel, what I need, what I’d like to happen – helps me to clarify for myself what is going on so that the conversation can be more productive.

Paul – I LOVE the story of the soldier showing you his tattoo! That is fantastic! What a gift for you both to be able to connect in that way. It reminds me of one friend I have, who is my son’s godfather and also my polar opposite in terms of politics and philosophy. But what I love about talking to him is that he listens respectfully, disagrees respectfully, and we both often come out of our conversations with a much deeper understanding of both the “opposing” viewpoint and our own. In fact, I often feel safer talking to him than I do talking to people who “agree” with me! I want to be able to offer that to others.

It sounds great that you expressed your needs to your husband Anna. From what I’ve learned about NVC, I think that if you establish deeper connection with the other person, then you will go some way to having your needs met but maybe not in the exact way you were expecting. Maybe your husband wont give up his guns yet. But if your connection has deepened, then there will be positive outcomes that you can’t predict. As Gandhi said, work hard towards your goals but then leave the results to God. As long as the means are right, then you will have made a positive difference. An NVC teacher also helped me by pointing out that its a worthwhile practice to sometimes just sit with your unmet needs. By giving yourself empathy in this way, you can often feel more at peace with those unmet needs, and sometimes perceive underlying needs that you hadn’t seen before and that may be met in other ways to the outcome you were attached to.

Love Paul