Week 8 – Communication Principles

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  • August 11, 2013 at 7:34 pm #11305
    Stephanie Steiner
    Member

    As a class, we are going to try a little experiment. Based on what you know about nonviolence, what are the guiding principles that we can apply to communication? As a class, we are going to come up with a list of these principles, which I will then hand over to Michael Nagler, who will make a commentary on them.

     

    Please share the principles that you think are important in applying nonviolence to the realm of communication in the forum below.

    August 17, 2013 at 6:28 pm #11320
    Erika
    Member

    Some principles I thought might be helpful

    Communication Principles

    – Communicate. When in a difficult conversation I can sometimes shutdown to a certain extent if the conversation takes an undesired direction. This is probably the verbal equivalent of “flight” in the “fight or flight” paradigm. This is not usually a constructive action so I think even if the conversation is difficult to be able to hang in there and continue to communicate can be important.

    -Be truthful

    -Be courageous. Just like there are some actions that are difficult but need to be done, there are some things that need to be said that are hard as well. It can really take great courage to say those things.

    – Avoid labeling. “He is evil”

    – Use language that separates people from their actions. “He chose to shoot a person” as opposed to “he is bad.”

    – Don’t get caught up on a mistake. Sometimes during the course of a conversation, especially a long one, it is likely that something will be said that isn’t perfect. If you get caught up in that the rest of the conversation can suffer.

    – Correct mistakes. If you say something wrong or incorrect, try to rectify it when you are able.

    August 18, 2013 at 2:14 am #11323
    Erika
    Member

    Hi, Paul here

    Only seek connection – maybe you won’t get the “result’ you are seeking but you will end up closer. If you try to get something from someone, other than closer connection, using NVC then it won’t work.

    When expressing the situation to another person, try to describe it completely objectively using only terms that could be used if you were a video camera. For instance, “when you said x to me I felt y because I value z.” Rather than “when you attacked me by saying x, I was completely undermined and felt abused by you.” This could really help to diffuse tense confrontation situations. By saying “the policeman pushed you and you fell” rather than, “the policeman attacked you and threw you to the ground”

    Try to take responsibility for your feelings. You are not upset because of what someone has said or done to you. They may have done or said inflammatory things, but you are upset because you are upsettable. However you are not to blame any more than the other person is.

    Similarly, try to gently show the other person that they are responsible for their own feelings. If they are upset or angry, it is because a need of theirs is not being met.

    Try to move away from ideas of blame or fault.

    And if you are about to speak to someone you consider to be an opponent, even if you think they’ve done or said terrible things, try to consider them with loving kindness before interaction. Say your mantram for them. Hold them in the light, as the Quakers say. Try to imagine their unmet needs that are leading them to their behaviour or position. This will help you when the conversation begins.

    August 19, 2013 at 3:02 pm #11328
    Erika
    Member

    This is a tough question for me! I think my principles would be:

    *Start most sentences with “I”. It may seem self-centered, but it helps me to stay away from accusations, judgements or labels. “I see…”, “I feel…”, “I need…”

    *Avoidance does not work! I am a world-class conflict-avoider, but the more I have studied NVC and nonviolence the more I have seen that avoiding a conflict does not actually solve anything, and it rarely protects you from the conflict. Instead, it often ends up being worse in the long run. I have been practicing the art of speaking my mind respectfully and clearly, and while it is still very much a work in progress I have gotten much better at it.

    *Disagreement is okay. This is a corollary to my second principle. Just because I disagree with someone, or have a problem with something they have done, does not mean I am impatient or they are inconsiderate. As long as I am clear and fair, it is healthy to voice disagreement.

    *Be a safe listener. If people feel that they may be attacked, they are not likely to be honest. If they are not honest, you aren’t going to get anywhere. For me this can backfire as people tend to tell me lots of inappropriate things, but I consider it a compliment. 😉 You can voice disagreement and concern without judgement and resentment.

    *Think before you speak. This is one of my major personal rules, but it is one that I sometimes struggle with as well. I do not like to say anything until I’ve thought it through, but many people have told me that my lack of response seems to them like I am sitting in silent judgement. I think in general people are uncomfortable with quiet, but I understand the point. If you have revealed something personal or difficult to someone, you want them to assure you that it’s all good, and I’m not good at offering that reassurance right away. It’s not that I’m judging, it’s just that I’m thinking. I’ve gotten better at saying something like, “I need to think about that, would it be okay if we talked about it again later?” but I think I still sometimes come across as aloof.

    August 20, 2013 at 10:56 pm #11330
    Erika
    Member

    I like your thought about starting sentences with I Kelly but maybe with a proviso. With NVC, I think its useful to also always remember the Easwaran principle of “Putting Others First”. Or you could also say “Remember your goal of service”. The reason I say this is because I saw in my NVC practice group that, for some people, concentrating on their own feelings and needs became quite a self-centred preoccupation because they didn’t couple it effectively with empathy and working on the other person’s feelings and needs too.
    Paul x

    August 21, 2013 at 7:06 pm #11336
    Erika
    Member

    Here are my thoughts:

    • Be respectful and express it.
    • LISTEN – Nobody gets offended when he/she feels heard.
    • Stop trying to be right.
    • Tone matters – It is not just what we say, but how we express it.
    • Discard the judgment – Stop evaluating the situation or the others, and enjoy the conversation itself.
    • Use your imagination – Understand how the person you are speaking to are feeling, and why that is the case.
    • Rehumanize – See the humanity in the person you are communication with and everyone else. Stop labeling others as “evil,” “lazy,” etc.
    • Speak to others’ potential – I borrowed this from Paul Chappell’s The Art of Waging War. When we speak to their potential, they feel the compassion and care. Assume people have good intentions, rather than being skeptical of their behavior.
    • Live it – As Gandhi says, “Non-violence is not a garment to be put on and off at will. Its seat is in the heart, and it must be an inseparable part of our being.” We have to continually practice and be able to apply it to any situation.

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