Erika

Thanks for sharing your conversation, Anna. I wish mine were a real one and am not sure it will provide much illumination to this week’s discussion, but I have posted it below.
My response to someone who says we are wasting our time studying nonviolence since science says we humans are just naturally violent—
Me: Well, I can certainly understand why you would say that science tells us that we humans are just plain violent given what is presented to us daily in our commercial media.
I don’t know what studies you have read or are referring to that present humans as “just plain violent”, but I have come upon some recent work by our current studies in the new physics that put that old theory into question. One of the most interesting things that has turned up is the idea of “mirror neurons”. It seems that our human brain (and other species as well…one study was done on rats that showed their brains exhibiting this same pattern) will show signs that we are “experiencing” the same emotion that we see being shown by someone else (in a movie or an actual person who is outside of us). Our brains mirror what the other is doing or feeling. So, given that, if I see someone acting violently I am inclined to do the same. On the other hand, if I see someone showing compassion to another, the mirror neurons in my brain will let me know what that is like. We do not have “violence genes” that are inherited from our ancestors. What we experience culturally influences us to act in a certain way. So, if we grow up in a culture of violence we tend to be violent. Likewise, if we were to grow up in a culture where compassion and kindness was the norm we would have a good chance of exhibiting that kind of behavior. Since our country has adopted such a cowboy attitude about our place in the world it is no wonder that the common perception of human beings is that we are just naturally violent. We can re-educate ourselves and our children about the reality of human nature. We are just as capable of being creatively nonviolent in our approach to solving problems as we have been in “solving” them by going to war. So, no, I don’t agree with you that studying nonviolence will have no affect on how we act as humans. To the contrary, I have every confidence that learning everything I can about nonviolence and sharing what I learn about how effective numerous nonviolent revolutions have been will make a huge difference in our future on this planet together.
Happy traveling along Part 2’s road,
Jean

Paul – I’ve been traveling a lot and just saw your comment. Thank you so much for your kind words. I know this might be a long process… and sometimes applying NVC to those closest to us is very hard! 🙂 But this class is giving me so much hope.

I signed up for a NVC training last month but had to cancel at the last minute. I now feel that I have some understanding and am excited to sign up for the next opportunity!

I am trying to think of a good example here… one that I had recently was my conversation with my husband about his guns. He owns a few, and I want to let him know that I don’t believe they make us safer… and I hope that he gives them up. I think the challenge in the communication was that I had a goal/objective and I was too focused on getting my points across and being right. I even started using the “exchange power” and said “If you want me to move with you, you need to give them up” which definitely is not a good example of NVC! But I think toward the end of the conversation he at least understood that this is important to me.

This poses me a question – although NVC does not mean that we do not have an objective in conversation, its main goal is to be present in the moment. But what about the causes we are very passionate about, where we want people to understand and transform their perspective? How do we not give up on getting our “request” to be met, without being resentful when it does not happen?

Like everyone said, I enjoyed other examples you all posted here. This is so encouraging. Thank you!

I like your thought about starting sentences with I Kelly but maybe with a proviso. With NVC, I think its useful to also always remember the Easwaran principle of “Putting Others First”. Or you could also say “Remember your goal of service”. The reason I say this is because I saw in my NVC practice group that, for some people, concentrating on their own feelings and needs became quite a self-centred preoccupation because they didn’t couple it effectively with empathy and working on the other person’s feelings and needs too.
Paul x

This is a tough question for me! I think my principles would be:

*Start most sentences with “I”. It may seem self-centered, but it helps me to stay away from accusations, judgements or labels. “I see…”, “I feel…”, “I need…”

*Avoidance does not work! I am a world-class conflict-avoider, but the more I have studied NVC and nonviolence the more I have seen that avoiding a conflict does not actually solve anything, and it rarely protects you from the conflict. Instead, it often ends up being worse in the long run. I have been practicing the art of speaking my mind respectfully and clearly, and while it is still very much a work in progress I have gotten much better at it.

*Disagreement is okay. This is a corollary to my second principle. Just because I disagree with someone, or have a problem with something they have done, does not mean I am impatient or they are inconsiderate. As long as I am clear and fair, it is healthy to voice disagreement.

*Be a safe listener. If people feel that they may be attacked, they are not likely to be honest. If they are not honest, you aren’t going to get anywhere. For me this can backfire as people tend to tell me lots of inappropriate things, but I consider it a compliment. 😉 You can voice disagreement and concern without judgement and resentment.

*Think before you speak. This is one of my major personal rules, but it is one that I sometimes struggle with as well. I do not like to say anything until I’ve thought it through, but many people have told me that my lack of response seems to them like I am sitting in silent judgement. I think in general people are uncomfortable with quiet, but I understand the point. If you have revealed something personal or difficult to someone, you want them to assure you that it’s all good, and I’m not good at offering that reassurance right away. It’s not that I’m judging, it’s just that I’m thinking. I’ve gotten better at saying something like, “I need to think about that, would it be okay if we talked about it again later?” but I think I still sometimes come across as aloof.

Hi Paul

Really interesting to hear you mention the challenge of making NVC sound natural! I really liked the NVC format and think it could be really effective but felt like I may sound a little unnatural using that formula (When I see _ I feel _because my need for _ is/is not met. Would you be willing to _). I would think like almost anything it can start off maybe sounding and also feeling unnatural but once you get the basics down and are more comfortable with it you can use the formula in a way where everything doesn’t sound so formulated and sounds more natural.

Best regards
John

I think you may be right Kelly. If you stray too far from your passions and from what lights you up, then I think you maybe more likely to burn out and to see your contribution as just another chore that you have to get to
Paul

I did an NVC introductory weekend about 5 years ago which I found hugely helpful. It also helped me to join an NVC practice group here in Brighton which I attended weekly for a year or two. I still have some contacts who practice professionally and am amazed at how they can make the language of NVC sound completely natural – something I sometimes fail at. I remember the first time I used NVC with my wife Charlotte. I had been working away from home and she had been having a tough time at home on her own with our two small kids. As she told me her problems on the phone, instead of trying to fix them with snap judgements, I just tried to empathise by reflecting back what I heard her saying. Afterwards she said, thats the best listening you’ve ever done in our 10 years together! The only problem was that the next time I tried it, she said “are you doing that NVC on me again?” I’m sometimes not fluent enough in it to make it sound natural!

It has helped in my communication with my kids. Their arguments are often about who’s “fault” something was. So NVC gives me the tools to try to sidestep this issue. And when they were small and angry about something, it often helped to try to voice the needs which were not being met for them rather than try to ‘fix’ their problem. It didn’t always work but when it they genuinely felt heard, their anger would often dissipate as if by magic

It has helped me advise many friends of mine who are in the middle of a dispute with a family member. To be able to hear about a conflict and then reflect it back to them without judgement or blame language, can often help them work out how to approach their mother, son, friend etc.

A couple of friends of mine work in environments (often corporate) where the communication culture is literally toxic. Full of the kind of emotional judgements and ultimatums that people have learned from the dialogue in soap operas. I have sometimes been able to help them see how a conflict at work, or a very angry statement from a colleague, can be viewed nonviolently.

The serving soldier who I worked with on a movie last year was definitely an opportunity for me to try to engage nonviolently. Rather than judging and stating a position that was in opposition to him, I tried to empathise and learn from his experience, whilst still letting him know that my view of the world was radically different from his. We ended up being friends and talking very frankly about violence. On our last day working together, he showed me a large tattoo on his chest that showed the symbol for his regiment, with the ancient Roman motto,
“to have peace, prepare for war”.
I was then in a trusting enough relationship with him to say my motto would be
“to have peace, prepare for peace – if you prepare for war, you will get it”.
I wouldn’t have said such an oppositional thing to him until we trusted each other.

The problem I often fall into is that I have a need to be liked and popular, so I sometimes sympathise rather than empathise, and listen to things I disagree with, without being able to gently voice the fact that my view is different. This is something I’m very much still working on.