Take some time to read and reflect on the following message from the late Barbara Deming, which I came across in a book dedicated to her on the Women’s Encampment for Peace and Justice. These words contain profound lessons for nonviolence and are immediately practical.
Please leave your comment and join the conversation below.
What speaks to you? What is an experience you have had that these words express?
“Our movement is composed of all kinds of groups and all kinds of individuals. It is certain that many of us will make all kinds of mistakes. It will be tempting to wish that this group or that group, this individual or that individual were simply not among us. My particular plea is that we not surrender to this temptation. We must certainly be frank with others when we disagree, but my plea is that we not begin to be afraid of any of us, and in a panic, try to wish any of us out of the picture. We will need every one of us. We are all part of one another.“
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By: Stephanie Van Hook
Stephanie Van Hook is Executive Director of the Metta Center for Nonviolence.
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Thank you Stephanie! The more I read of Deming, the more I want to read. Grateful for this quote in these uncertain days. It strengthens my resolve that together we can tolerate our fear and discomfort and value one another, regardless of our perceived differences, to create a world that we all want to live in.
Agreed. I think part of what motivated this share in particular is a sense of preparing for escalating stress and tension which can pull people apart. It’s a reminder we need to hear now so we are prepared, I think!
I’m wondering if people have any spiritual practice that supports us in our aspiration to let go of judgements and find ways to connect even when we get triggered by opposing opinions. I was reminded of a practice that Pema Chodron teaches called Just like me. It’s challenging but first we have to pause and refrain from getting into an argument or some way push back aggressively. Then we can remember- yes, just like me this person wants happiness or wants to be heard or respected. Just like me this person wants to be free of suffering. We can create the space to connect with our common humanity instead creating more separation. Any other ideas ?
I love that practice, Deborah. “Just like me…” I think another tip that helps me is hearing that treating everyone with love under every circumstance is not at all easy. It will be hard. It will be terribly hard at times even.That knowing that I’m not just weak but training my muscles for this kind of work is really useful. Wonder if there are other ideas.
we see how our capitalist system puts the needs of the large corporations and ultra rich over the needs of Earth and life on it, during this epidemic. we can see that now is the time for a paradigm shift to put the needs of life on earth ahead of greed. let’s join together to make that shift a reality.
Just as I am one “germ ecosystem” with my wife, humanity is one meta-organism. I find it very interesting that in “War of the Worlds” it was a virus that saved humanity from an alien invasion, and now it’s a virus that endangers imperial capitalism, which could be framed as a pathological cancer and invader of our normal, organic health.
We ARE One: Each of Us is a single cell in the great Body of Humanity; WE (collectively) are a creature called Human BEing. And i believe it’s good to understand and remember every part needs all the others to Be WHOLE, and each part suffers when any part suffers.
There are many of us suffering, now…. ?
The practice “just like me…” is a powerful practice because it pushes us to see the humanity in ourselves and others. I’m trained as a psychologist so I’ll add two more psychologically-oriented strategies to the mix.
Some other ideas include finding common humanity with those around you (including yourself!) – whether you are in self-isolation by yourself or with others during this Covid-19 pandemic. An individual might practice journaling about particular memories of recent interpersonal conflicts and consider what came up for them in the moment and in the aftermath. Then, they might consider trying to parse through needs, feelings, and desires entangled in all that came up for them in that moment. That way, when a related interpersonal conflict happens again, the individual will have some good guesses ready to go about what’s going on for them and be ready to more effectively communicate and connect. I think a book called The Chimp Paradox by Dr. Peters explains this practice well with sections on “exercising” and “boxing the chimp.”
With others, this “shelter-in-place” moment can be a great time to debrief a particular conflict we might have had with the people we live with. Consider taking turns identifying the needs that each person might have had during the conflict. Differentiate these needs from desires. Consider feelings and what a desirable outcome might look like for each person. That way, when a conflict happens again, each person will have some good guesses ready to go about what’s going on for each other and what a desirable outcome could look like. The Metta Center for Nonviolence has a lot of neat resources on nonviolent communication.
In these ways, we can practice seeing our own humanity and the humanity in others around us. When conflicts arise in our communities we may be better prepared with a range of guesses about what other people might be experiencing in any given moment. We’ll also have practice with powerful psychological tools that help us see the humanity in ourselves and connect with the humanity in others.
Well, it seems to me that my marriage (52 years) has been a kind of training for this kind of movement.